Funny Fears
Following Bryan’s email and his decision to POD I started to wonder if I should POD or not. The advantages were obvious – I could have my book out this year, I could set the selling price myself, I could control where and how I would market it, I could empower myself! Why wait for a publisher to come to me, when I could go to the publisher?
And yet there is still a part of me that wants the recognition and acknowledgement that a conventional publisher will bring. Although I do have faith in my product and pretty much know the target audience, it would be nice to have someone else also affirm their faith in it and me. Does this suggest I lack a bit of confidence and need the required ego boost that an interested agent and publishing house would bring?
I’m not sure. But I’ve realised that to POD requires a fair amount of faith in one’s product. I tried to imagine doing a Bryan and taking my book around the local book stores, promoting it on radio, doing a few readings and I kept coming up against the same stumbling block. Which is a CRAZY stumbling block to have but I slammed into it today. What if people I knew read it?
I remember Liam saying a similar thing when he did his music gig in Competa. He said it was easier to sing in front of strangers than it was in front of people he knew. (It didn’t help that I plonked myself right at the front and then proceeded to yak throughout his set – but you know what? I was nervous for him! I was so nervous about him not succeeding, i.e., making a fool of himself, that I rabbited away in nervous tension). And so imagine my nerves at me having to present myself to the world?!!! What if I make a right proper fool of myself?
I have a friend who I shan’t mention by name, but one of the reasons he was so hesitant about marrying his l/t partner was because he was shit-scared of making a public speech. And when he told me the story although I almost laughed I could actually really feel for him. I too feel incredibly self-conscious when asked to speak in public – give me a pen and I’ll be fine, but put me on a stage? Urgh, I’ll wither.
(Although admittedly I did teach English to classrooms of adults in Costa Rica and Madrid and absolutely loved it – didn’t have a problem taking the stage then …..)
But teaching was a lark whereas writing is my dream! It’s fine writing a book in private and showing a few selected friends but what about when it gets out there? Into the public world? I don’t mind the idea of masses of strangers reading it, because they don’t know me and hence it doesn’t matter if they don’t like it, but the thing which frightens me is the idea of people I know reading my book. Why? Gosh, I think there are a million reasons why. What if I’m shit? What if they think I’m wasting my time? What if they laugh at my talent? What if they say the classic line ‘I could have done better?’ What if I make a fool of myself?!
And so the idea of having a publisher publicly endorse my work makes me feel a whole lot better about publishing it. If it’s just me standing behind my book, the lone voice saying that it’s worth buying, then it makes me feel far less secure.
Funny that.
